It's Been a While....

Yes, it's been quite a while since my last post and so much has been happening in the meantime. Here's some of what's been happening:
The Development Circle continued for some time but recently we had a surprise drop out, when Sh decided she no longer wanted to attend. She felt that coming to the Circle was acting as a constant reminder of losing her chap and wasn't allowing her to move on. As G had already dropped out, due to the ongoing situation with her DH, who has terminal cancer and isn't dealing with it at all well, this really brought into question whether the Circle could continue. It has always been a small group, so any loss of numbers really tells. Aureen and I also felt that the Universe was intervening here, as she needed a break, as she had lots going on in her work and personal life, and I was feeling a little unsettled and unsure of my direction... we also felt that S1 may not continue, as she'd also been having doubts about this being her path.
So.... Circle has been on hold in recent weeks, until S1 returned from her extended trip to Australia (NB: I saw Sydney Opera House for her during a Circle session some time ago), when we would then know her decision. I was delighted to receive a text from Aureen last week (18th - 24th April) to ask if I was up for Circle, starting on the 3rd of May. Too right I am!

The break has given me the chance to look at what I would like to do and to receive a few insights. Whilst I didn't understand Sh reasons for dropping out I could/can appreciate that if that is how she feels, then she has to do what is right for her - it would be wrong of me, or anyone else, to try to convince her otherwise. She has to go where her path is leading her and, at the moment, it has diverged from us. I hope she finds the Inner Peace she's searching for. :0)

When I receive messages from loved ones, and feel their presence around me, I feel very comforted by that: just because they no longer have a physical body on this Earth plane does not mean that they sever all links with loved ones still here. Far from it, they remain very interested in all that we do and often "visit" us, and use whatever means we are open to to try and communicate this to us. I no longer fear physical death as much as I used to, as, since I've been on this Spiritual journey, I have had proof time and again that our essential energy (our essence - the soul) survives and goes on to something better. I do still miss my loved ones physical presence but the deep, raw, soul wrenching grief I used to feel that held us all back has eased and gentled greatly as I'm finding I can tune into their energy and sense them when they pay a visit. This, in turn, has allowed my loved ones in Spirit to go on with their journey and work in the Otherworld.
Realising and accepting this has made me recognise that giving messages to grieving people from their loved ones in Spirit is a form of healing in its own right and, thus, certainly has a part to play in the healing work I wish to develop. So I am now settled in my own mind that this is where I should be and what I should be doing. S1 has returned from her trip and is happy to continue. F's study and exams are completed, so she now has her free time back. S2 is ready to carry on. Aureen's life has settled back into more manageable proportions. And now the Circle is to resume. :0)
Hopefully the time is right for more people to feel drawn to joining us - more people will help the group to continue and new energies will help it develop further.

Throughout the lull I was keen to "keep my hand in", as it were, so I've continued with the meditation and practising as often as possible (though having DH and DS around during the recent Bank Holiday weekends has affected that somewhat, as we've been busy doing jobs). During one meditation someone bade me farewell - I assumed it was a Guide and feared it was Two Feathers, my Native American Circle Guide but he's reappeared since.... so it may have been a Guide I hadn't "met" as such, but whose time with me was over. I did see someone else a little later in the same meditation: a young (mid-20's to mid-30s) male who presented as a Hassidic Jew (black ringlets either side of his face and the typical black hat) and I received the name Levi. I haven't seen him in my meditations since, so still haven't discovered if it was him bidding me farewell... though it did feel more like an incoming energy. Am hoping more will be revealed at some point. :0)

During this time I also felt drawn to start attending the Open Circle at my local Spiritualist Church. The first week was very busy (around 20 people) and it was led by a young chap. No one spoke to me and I wasn't feeling too welcome, so I was in two minds about going back again... but something made me give it another go. So pleased I did: successive weeks have been run by an older lady (I think she may run the Church) and the atmosphere has been much more relaxed and friendly. :0)
The Circle is different from Aureen's: there's no meditations, no discussions about related topics, no direct teaching and no hands linking to Open. We all sit in a Circle, have an opening prayer followed by everyone reciting the Lord's Prayer - even though I'm a Pagan I don't mind reciting this, as I recognise it as a very powerful form of protection that no negatives can withstand and it's also good for drawing forth the Angels. Everyone then tunes in, in whatever way they do so, then anyone who receives a message then gives it to the relevant person.
The first week I was really unsure about what I should be doing and, feeling slightly panicky, asked my Guide if I should be trying to receive messages. A calm and gentle voice told me: Watch and Learn. So that's mostly what I've been doing.
I've been lucky enough to be given messages from a gentleman who turned out to be my paternal Great-Uncle the first visit, then a lovely message from my Mum on the third visit - along with messages from both my Grandad's, one of my Nana's and my young cousin. All spot on and totally relevant. :0)
The past couple of times I've been picking up small things - I got a name that I didn't give but it was later confirmed by another lady with the messages she gave. I feel I'm slowly adjusting to the different energies. Last week, towards the end of the session, the lady running the Circle referred to myself and the ladies sitting either side of me as "our powerful energy batteries" which made me smile, then asked me if I had anything to share (her Guides tell her when anyone is receiving anything) but I said all I got was the name Michael, a man not a child, and that there seemed to be a water link with him with him, as in running water like a stream or similar, but I was unsure if it meant he either lived near to or worked on water or if it meant he had drowned.... I lost the link each time someone else gave a message, and then I felt really self-conscious with everyone's attention on me. The lasy asked how long I'd been doing this work and I said over a year, probably about a year and a half, and that I had always found the visual part difficult. Since reading Doreen Virtue's book I've realised I mostly get mental images rather than Third Eye ones - so I don't see it in front of me but deeper in.... and sometimes it's just so fast I can't always make it out. As I described this I could see another lady (in her late 30's) nodding, so I guess she probably gets things the same way. The Leader lady told me to ask them to slow it down and it should help. With that we closed... but it gave me the courage to go up to her afterwards and ask if I could ask a couple of questions. Quite a few of the people there got messages and flowed so well with the information given, including herself, and I asked how it was possible to do that. She said it had taken her around 40 years to reach that point, some take much less, but that it was mostly about Trust (there's that word again!): trusting in what you got, rather than questioning it, and just giving what you got. My main problem is that I often start to over-think things, rather than going with the flow.... but it was real useful, as it's highlighted two of the main ways I block myself: lack of trust and over-thinking.
I also asked what the protocol was about giving messages: if I felt I had something to add, is it acceptable to chip in or should I wait until the person has finished giving their message? This one is down to judging each situation: if someone is in full flow, then allow them to finish and then say you feel you may have had the same link and then give what you got; if they are struggling a little, say that you feel you have the same link and ask if they mind if you add what you've got, as sometimes it can help make that person's link with Spirit a bit stronger. I thanked her and left.
I now feel I have a better understanding of why I need to go to this Circle: along with the other two ladies, I'm an energy battery - there to help raise the energy, so Spirit can communicate more easily with the more experienced members; for myself, at the moment, once someone starts to speak I lose the link... being here will help me to develop my concentration and focus, so I can block out any background noise and keep the link with Spirit - essential if I have to work in a noisy environment (there's constant background noise at M,B&S events etc). Whilst I've got better at blocking out most of the noises at Aureen's Circle and during meditations at home, especially compared to when I first started and everything would affect my focus/concentration level, this will be  more of a challenge, though an essential knack to learn. The current plan is to attend both Circles for the forseeable future. Thank you to the Universe and my Guides for this opportunity to develop further. :0)

The acupuncture sessions continue on a weekly basis. The menopausal symptoms are generally well under control, with only the occasional blip - if I'm fighting off a bug I tend to get a few flushes start, which is quite useful for gauging when my immune system needs a boost. LOL The arthritic problems need the occasional boost, as does my back and shoulder - usually self-inflicted from over-doing it in the garden. The weekly treatments keep things nicely "topped up" and the Qi flowing. The main focus, these days, is treating me Spiritually, to aid my development, and I feel this is helping me greatly, as does the weekly chats with Janet. I've told her that I view her as a Mentor: each week sees different topics being discussed and these give various results: sometimes it gives me another piece in the puzzle, as it were, enabling me to achieve a better understanding of a concept I'd been struggling with; or a different view point is given, which makes me look at something from a whole different angle; sometimes our talks will set me off on a whole new tangent; there's also the occasional Eureka! moment thrown in too.
My last treatment was a pretty intensive one: I had some bottled up anger and some other residual negative emotions that needed releasing, as they were holding me back by blocking me, and this involved building up the Qi via manipulation of the needles in the top of my feet (one in each) and some "homework" to do later in the day. Manipulation of the needles really makes the Qi "bite" and can be quite painful, but it does help shift things, so I had to say stop when it got too much for me. I didn't do too badly, though it did make me hold my breath. Despite this the session was a good one, though I could feel things were building up, rather than relaxing. That night DS was out and I asked DH if he could go out too, so he happily disappeared off to the Guild Room for the evening to do a few jobs. Now the homework began: I had to shut all the windows in the house and pre-prepare some music to play loudly; then I had to go out into the garden barefoot and slowly walk widdershins (anti-clockwise) in a circle, feeling the Qi in everything around me as I did so; when I could feel this I had to gradually increase my walking speed, building the energy without and within; when it had built to a peak I had to go inside to the pre-prepared room, start the music and...... scream at the top of my lungs as much as I needed to let all the anger and other negativity out. When she had told me this earlier I wondered what the neighbours would think, should they spot me outside, and if they heard me screaming.... thankfully we live in a detached house, so that helped... though the word that cam to me when I thought about the process was: liberating.
So I walked my widdershins circle and, though not too certain about feeling the energy building without, I definitely felt it building within. When I couldn't stand to hold it in any more I shot in, locking the door behind me, and started off the music - Firestarter by Prodigy.... it semed appropriate somehow. And then I started to scream. Initially it was a repressed, held-in roar in my throat.... but then I really let rip. Tears began to pour and I could feel all this negativity spewing from me each time I screamed... thinking of the neighbours, I screamed the loudest into a pillow. By heck was it liberating! I suddenly found myself full of energy and dancing around the room, flipping the bird in all directions, letting out so many years of repression from trying to conform, to family and to societies view of what is normal and acceptable behaviour. Boy, did it feel sooo good to finally let go! By the end of the track I felt much more peaceful and needing a change in tempo... so out came my bellydancing CD's... and started to dance. Though one track in I spotted the photo of my Mum and Dad on the mantelpiece and began to cry, letting out the last of the grief, finally letting them go. Once this was over I dried my tears and heard: time to live your Joy. I let the music surround me, felt it deep within my core... then let my inner Goddess finally show herself, allowing my body to move to the music, without an ounce of repression or self-consciousness. It felt fabulous and not a twinge or ache anywhere throughout... though by the end of the CD I was shattered and ready to sit quietly, so I went outside and sat on the patio, enjoying the quiet of the evening (well, as quiet as it gets round here LOL). As I sat I asked for a sign, so I would know that what I had done was OK and if it would help with my growth on my Spiritual Path. After a few moments I heard: Look up. When I did I saw, right above my head, that the clouds had formed a circle and in the centre of the circle was another cloud formation that looked like both a stylised rose... or a head and wings. I felt Blessed and at peace and thanked the Universe. Then, not long after, I went back inside as it had turned quite cold and settled down in my chair with a herbal tea and some stitching, which is how DH found me when he returned home. He could tell I was feeling a lot happier and calmer.  A little later I went to bed and slept deeply, waking up feeling well and refreshed. I haven't seen Janet since, as she's on holiday, but I shall tell her all that happened at my next appointment.... I can recommend this process for anyone wanting to let go of negativity and release blocks. :0)

One of the results from undergoing this releasing process is the realisation that I really do want to take up bellydancing classes. So I stopped the procrastination, contacted the lady who runs sessions in some of the local villages, got the details...... and I go for my first class on Friday 6th May. :0)

Janet had hoped to start a monthly Meditation Group at her Clinic last month but a change in her diabetes meds meant that that had to be put on hold, as it affected her quite badly initially. Thankfully things have settled down enough for her to carry on with her appointments now (they had to be cancelled initially, which she felt awful about) and she's hoping that further improvements will occur so the Group can begin soon.
It will be a small Group of about 5/6 people, quite informal. There'll be Janet, myself, hopefully Aureen will have the time to attend, then there's another of J's clients (a young woman who has been helped greatly by J's acupuncture treatments who is now going on to train as an acupuncturist) and this young woman's Mum, who is a yoga teacher (and I think she does another alternative therapy too) - this lady will initially lead the Meditations, as she has had practice doing this at her Yoga classes, but any one of us can bring in a guided meditation CD we like, or a book with one in, or whatever. It will be good practice for me and another opportunity to be with like-minded people, so am looking forward to it.

The monthly Reiki treatments from Aureen have continued too, as I love these sessions and get a great deal from them. The past three of four months I've been led to take in some of my crystals and that has been interesting too. The first session I did this I could have sworn Aureen had placed the Apophyllite crystal on my solar plexus: I could actually feel the weight of it and it wobble as I breathed, so I refrained fom breathing too deeply, because I was concerned it would wobble off and even when she closed the session I could still feel the weight of it on me, so I had to touch the area to check..... and there was nothing there. Aureen hadn't put anything there.... but someone had. :0) In the latest sessions Kwan Yin has been aiding her with the healing.... each time I know she is there, as I see a mental image of her at some point during the session. I shall take my own Statue of her to one of the sessions soon.
The last couple of month's sessions were really interesting. In the earlier one Aureen wasn't sure what was needed when starting out, so she asked to be guided: she ended up moving around from one bit to another and back over again, zigzagging all the way down my body and back, and told me, at the end of the session, that she was told she needed to clear and balance the Chakras in both my physical and etheric body. I smiled and said "Oh, you're sooo good" - then told her about the dreams I'd been having, which she agreed were all about balancing my male and female energies. More proof that the Universe brings in whatever is needed when it's needed. :0)
Before the latest one I'd had a couple of problems with DH and DS and I stood up for myself but it had left me feeling a bit off, so Aureen concentrated on drawing in power and strength - Kwan Yin was there but not taking part, as she is a gentle and compassionate soul. Even before the session started Aureen touched my left foot and told me to relax: I instantly felt a pull of vertigo/dizziness in the left side of my head - I could feel the energy being pulled through me, at one point it rippled through my body through my Crown Chakra and down to my feet, during the session - she's been pulling out negative stuff. I told her afterwards that I'd almost said "Flippin' heck, Aureen" in reaction to it. During the session she's seen me riding on Wisdom's back (my elephant Power Animal) and he told me he was there to give me strength and power, as well as wisdom. She'd also seen me as an oak tree: I need to be strongly rooted, like an oak tree. The odd thing is: my wedding ring is engraved with acorns and oak leaves and I do like images of the Tree of Life as an oak and love cross stitch designs with acorns and oak leaves on them. I'd also felt an odd pulling sensation when she'd placed her hands over my Third Eye and knew she'd removed a block from it. I came out feeling totally energised and went home to mow the lawn and weed the garden. LOL
My next session is on 7th May - can't wait to see what happens at that one.

I've also attended a few M,B&S events since my last blog post. Some involved retail therapy and absorbing the vibes, others involved attending some of the free workshops that are on offer and one involved bypassing my ususal feelings about preferring healing sessions to be private and undergoing my first ever Crystal Healing session. That was such a good experience: the lady gridded crystals under the bed, for protection, then gave me two clear quartz to hold - they were powerful, as I immediately felt their energies - and set about using various crystals on my Chakras. She unblocked my Third Eye (I knew it was blocked and it was the main reason I was drawn to the healing), "combed" my aura with a specific crystal blade to remove any negativity attached to it, then used another strong crystal to put energy back into my aura and seal any "holes". I thought I would be really self-conscious during the process but it was such a lovely (and fascinating) experience that I laid there enjoying it, even blotting out most of the background noise in the process. It also confirmed for me what I've always felt: I have an affinity to crystals and definitely want to use them in my healing work, perhaps training as a Crystal Healer, providing I can find somewhere fairly local that offers accredited courses.

My usual Tarot reader, Leonie, no longer attends M,B&S events, so when I wanted my yearly reading at the start of this year I had to cast around, to find someone else that I was happy to sit with. It wasn't until the Elsecar event in March that I opted to have a reading done.... odd, as I'd started out the day planning on attending a couple of workshops. I didn't get to either of the workshops.
It was getting towards the end of the day when I felt I wanted to have a reading done by Joylina... but she was busy each time I went to her. In a bit of a panic, thinking I wouldn't have any kind of reading that day, I saw that Janother nearby reader, JoPaz, was available, so I went for a reading with her. I asked about my Spiritual Path and was a little disappointed when I got a general reading that didn't cover anything to do with that side of things... although it was interesting to have it done, as alot of what she told me confirmed quite a few of the things that Leonie had previously given me, so no real surprises with that. It was a good lesson in why I should always go with my initial instinct and not opt for second choice.

As I came away from her I spotted that Joylina was free and headed over. She invited me to choose one of her free Angel cards and I smiled when I read it, as it was quite apt. I then asked her if she was available for a reading and, thankfully, she was. The first thing she said to me was that she knew I was "one of hers" as I had a very strong energy... I've slowly realised this from a couple of things Janet (acupuncturist) has said about how sometimes, when I'm really upset, I can "spark off" energy that affects those around me... some of what she does in treatments is to help me contain that energy in a way that doesn't affect those around me and doesn't "damage" myself. Joylina then went on to explain that she did three kinds of readings and what they were. I opted for the Soul Reading.... a tad expensive but, as I realised afterwards, was sooo worth it!
After choosing some cards from a deck of Angel cards she then gave me a reading from them. Each card had a different Angel on it and a single word at the bottom - it was pleasing to see among them were cards for Healing and Wisdom. :0)
Now this lady had never done a reading for me before and didn't know me from Eve, so had no idea that I wanted to do Healing work and have a "thing" about achieving Wisdom, so it was extremely satisfying to hear her say that my Life's Path involved healing, not just for individuals, but on a Global scale... it also confirmed things that Aureen had told me within Circle and after Reiki sessions that she'd been given by hers and my Guides. She also felt that my healing work would also involve crystals... but more sound healing with crystal bowls, than actual crystal healing, something that had never crossed my mind before. She also said that, at the moment, I was a bit like a flickering light bulb: when the power was fully on things worked fine, but occasionally the flow was interrupted (those times I feel blocked, usually by myself) and the bulb would dim; there will come a point when I will hear the sound of Angel music and everything will change; suddenly, it would be like a dynamo had been switched on and "whoosh!" that lightbulb would be switched on bright and stay on, whether I wanted it to or not - nothing would interfere with it.... and I would be off. Amazing, exciting stuff!
When this part of the reading was over she then had me choose more cards from a second deck. Amongst these cards were Joy and Happiness, along with Healing and Wisdom again, and a few more. She said that the sadness was over and that I was now in the phase where I was to Live my Joy - but that I realised and appreciated that, without that sadness, I wouldn't have reached this point. No more tears, and as I live my Joy it will bring in much happiness (though they sound the same, they're not). There was a lot more concerning my Path and that changes I'd undergone along the way and those that were to come. I came away feeling really optimistic and happy.... and more sure that the direction I'm going in is the right one for me at this time.

Since then  my own Tarot cards were telling me of Change and new energies coming in and this has been the case: the cessation of Circle for such a long break; Sh leaving us; the start of attending Spiritualist Church Circle; the decision to start bellydancing classes; setting in motion plans to refurbish the bathroom and kitchen of our home.  It did feel a little like things were in limbo for some while, as all this developed and I gradually got my head around what I needed to do to aid the change in energies. I set about altering my daily routines: instead of staying in and doing jobs every Monday, I would go out, either down the street or out in the car somewhere; extending my comfort zone - have now driven to the main Tesco and shopped on my own, to various garden centres around the area, including having the occasional meal out (again on my own); occasionally having acupuncture on a Tuesday, instead of a Thursday; listening to my intuition a whole lot more.... maybe not huge things to a lot of people but for someone recovering from agoraphobia and panic attacks (daily routine was essential to keep me calm) they have been big steps on the road back to being 100% again, which is where things stand now - on the cusp of the old giving way to the new.

And I realise I was going to say that this was all leading to recovering the old me... but it's not what this whole journey is about - it's all about discovering who the real Me is.  :0)