Monday, 12 December 2011

The Latest News

So what have I been up to since my last post, all those many moons ago?

Well.... Aureen's Circle dwindled away to nothing, unfortunately. Her health continues to give her problems and the Universe is ensuring that she does take the year-long break she is meant to have. I miss her and the girls but I know that these things happen for a reason... and when the Universe decides it's definitely time for you to move on, then you have no choice but to listen and move. LOL

I've continued to attend the local Spiritualist Church's Wednesday night Open Circle. Most of the time I received very little from Spirit... and my Guide, when asked one evening if I was supposed to open for messages told me, in no uncertain terms: that's not what you're here for. OK, that told me... so I had to learn to be patient, lend my energies to the group (be an "energy battery", as B referred to myself and a couple of other ladies there) and watch how the other members worked. I admit that, at times, I began to wonder if I was on the right track here... but then I plucked up courage one night to speak to B after the Circle had ended, to tell her about my last Circle folding and to ask if there were any Development Groups being held that I could attend, as I felt I needed more training and wanted to learn. The upshot was that, although there isn't currently one being held at the Church, she did recommend one being held by a previous member... her details were on the Church's website. She also mentioned that there was the possibility of some workshops being held at a future date, so keep an eye on the noticeboard in the foyer and for the monthly newsletter, which was available from a table at the back of the Church. Needless to say, I kept my eyes duly peeled. LOL

So I realised that, if things were to move forward, I needed to make a few decisions about what I wanted to do and how to proceed. The Universe would give me occasional signposts to point the way and open certain doors at the right time.... but it was up to me to take those first steps and walk through those doors. So I checked out the website and found the details of Pauline Dring, an SNU member and local medium, who runs regular workshops for those wishing to develop their contact with Spirit, and gave her a ring. What a nice, down-to-earth lady she sounded (and has since proved to be) and I got the details for some of her upcoming workshops, some of which clashed with our summer holiday at the beginning of July. I was also due a holiday with my DH, DSis, Aunt, Uncle and cousin in the Lincolnshire Wolds in August and everything was also complicated by a kitchen refurbishment that had my mind firmly fixed on the material plane..... having noisy workmen in the house is not a conducive atmosphere for meditations, especially when they like topping up with regular cups of tea or coffee. LOL

When we returned from our summer holiday I wasn't well. Not only had I had an allergic reaction and stomach upset two weeks before going that had only eased up when I stopped using certain face creams and a hairspray, but I'd also got a severe upset on the last Thursday of our holiday. Thankfully it eased up enough to allow us to travel home on the Saturday... but it was an uncomfortable trip for me. From this we went straight into a mad week of having the Gas Fitter arrive to put a new central heating boiler in, a GP appointment for a check up, a fasting blood test to fit in (all results OK, thankfully), the plasterer skimming the kitchen ceiling on two consecutive evenings, an acupuncture session, an Open Circle evening and a painter round to price up for painting the new ceiling..... it kind of put development to the back of my mind again for a while, though I did have the firm conviction that it was definitely time to be more pro-active.

So, on Saturday 6th August I rang Pauline again, to find out when the next workshops were being held.... there was one on that day at 1pm! So, before I could think about it and get worked up, I got her address and told her I'd see her later... then had a mad dash round to grab a bite to eat and get ready. My DS dropped me off, as I didn't fancy driving there the first time, with not knowing the area or what parking was like there... good decision, as there were roadworks and parking was virtually impossible. There was just myself, Pauline and two other ladies: L and G. It was a sunny day, so we started out being sat out on the patio... a lovely, relaxing way for me to be introduced to new people and a new situation. We went in to a conservatory area to do the workshop. We started with psychometry, each of us placing an object on the floor between us and then choosing an object we were drawn to... the others chose first, so I was left with G's watch. I was able to pick up her birth month and date, then was guided by P to bring in Spirit to give messages to G: I connected with her grandfather and was able to tell that he passed in hospital from a heart condition that involved an irregular heartbeat (I felt it, as my heart went funny!), could give a brief description of him, and that his passing was slow then quick.... a long onset of problems/deterioration but his actual passing was fast, and a few other things I forget now. P had my ring and was able to bring through messages from both my Mum and Dad - and that they were going to help me with my Development work, which was lovely to hear - I then knew why I had been sensing them both around me recently. :0) We had a break for a drink, then a nice meditation, followed by doing readings using an angel card as a focus: we chose a card for our partner - I was still partnered with G - and I picked up from the message it held that she had a long term upset going on in her family but that she had the power to heal it, along with other relevant details. This involved a situation with her DS and DIL... personal, so I won't go into details. We finished with another drink and a chat afterwards. Such a relaxed session and I was left stunned by how much I'd managed to bring through... it also made me realise just how depleted the energies had been getting towards the end of my old Circle. I came away buzzing, to say the least. :0)

On the following Monday (8th) P held a two hour Circle session and I drove myself to this, parking quite a ways up the road as the roadworks were still there. I had a surprise when I got in... the room was full of women and one male and it was a little overwhelming initially, though I felt better when I saw G and L were there. Thank goodness I'd had the gentle introduction on the Saturday! I got myself seated and quick introductions were made once everyone was there... though very few of the names stuck, I'm afraid (I need to hear names several times over before I remember who is who! LOL). I then got a surprise... as I was "new blood" P got me to choose an angel card and hold it for a while, to imbue it with my energies, then this was passed around the Circle for each member to see what they could pick up. The chap partially described my Dad, quite a few picked up on my indigestion and the more chronic problems that my Dad had with reflux, one lady was spot on when she said she felt I was a born worrier, which contributed to my indigestion problems; another picked up on medals (Dad's) and a few other things were mentioned. Then it came to an older lady, Sh (who turned out to be 74, but she didn't look it at all) who promptly gave that Dad had passed from oesophageal cancer, gave me several names of family members who had also passed, and said that Dad was with someone who had been out in Burma, as they were showing her the Burma Star, which this chap had got, and said that Dad was pleased as it was like old soldiers together... plus a few other very relevant details. I was blown away, though couldn't place the Burma Star chap..... until my Uncle told us it was their Uncle! So once again I learnt something new about my family via messages from Spirit. :0) We then went on to do something called Transfiguration. A chair was set up in the slightly darker room through an archway in which one of the Circle members (a volunteer) sat and the rest of us gathered chairs around so we could all watch. The volunteer sat and relaxed whilst P sat beside her to help her relax. She started to talk a little and her face seemed to droop on one side a little, as though the Spirit lady she'd brought through had had a stroke... from gentle questioning and input from what various people picked up, it was ascertained that the Spirit lady had recently crossed over and was confused and lost and scared, so P and the volunteer helped her to go to the Light. I felt a bit so-so about this, I must admit.... I don't doubt the sincerity of it but I hadn't really seen much that was totally convincing. Then Sh (the lady who'd given me the messages from Dad) got up and took the chair. She channelled messages from a female Spirit Guide - all very uplifting, though I don't remember a word of it. Quite a few folks were saying they could see this, that and the other... apart from her speaking a little posher and seeming a little younger, I didn't really see much. Then there was a switch and she brought through her male Chinese Guide: again there were folks saying they could see shadows on the wall, as if someone was stood to the side of Sh, and some could see beautiful colours.... nope, nothing. Then all of a sudden something changed.... and instead of a 74 year old lady with closed eyes sat there I could see her Chinese Guide: I could see the conical hat he was wearing, his elongated face and Fu Manchu style moustache and a robe and, most disconcerting of all, his eyes were open and he was looking back at us all. I was stunned and just said: Oh, Good Grief. My reaction broke whatever relaxed state I'd gotten into and I couldn't see all of him again... but I could see glowing eyes looking back and P's face, in my peripheral vision, was a golden glow for the rest of the time the Guide was speaking. P asked me afterwards if I'd seen anything and I gabbled out what I had seen. That's the first time I've ever witnessed anything like that and it was totally amazing! Once again I went home buzzing. LOL I have seen this done several times since and though each time is a little different, it is still as amazing to watch.

During this time I also began something called Tarot Journaling, after reading the book I'd found in the Grasmere garden centre shop, whilst we were on our main summer holiday. Each day I shuffle my tarot deck and see which card comes out... I then write a detailed description of the card, then follow on with whatever springs to mind concerning the card. After that I write down the meaning of the card from the accompanying booklet and compare the two. I also add any further notes that occur to me after reading the booklet, then a breakdown of what happened during that day. It's a useful way of freeing up my subconscious for working with and getting to know my Tarot deck better and it's surprising how much my intuition does actually pick up about each card... maybe not always spot on, but then each reader will pick up something different from their cards and also develop their own meanings for each one as they go along. It's also interesting to see the relevance of each card to each day's happenings. I kept this up during the weeks holiday I had in August (and since) & have now done this with each card. I've started again with the same pack but this time I am writing words that occur to me and developing a kind of flow chart, then using what this has revealed to write what I feel the card is about... I'm about half way through the pack at this time. Again, it's really interesting to see what I naturally pick up through intuition and how it compares to the actual description of the card.

After getting home from holiday the kitchen was completed... we've since found tiles and a light fitting for that & some of the work has been started (long story! LOL). I carried on with Wednesday night Open Circle at Church. I also attended a mediumship evening at a local Care Home: the mediums were a married couple, Ann and Brian Lamyman and it was being held as a fundraiser for the Church. I didn't get any messages given but it was good to see different mediums working and see some of the Church members in a social setting. DH had managed to double-book himself, so I went on my own... another first for me. :0) I've also since attended a demo (with DH this time) of P's and it was good to watch her work too, especially in such difficult surroundings... it was in an upstairs function room in a local pub but there was a 50th birthday disco blaring out downstairs, and a few folks who had had messages started to chat about it whilst P was still giving messages to others. I introduced DH and P to each other and had chance to chat to her a little at half time and afterwards... my main question being: how on earth did she manage to zone out all that noise to actually work! The answer was: practise. LOL

I've attended many more Monday evening and Saturday workshops since this and all have been interesting. We've also done readings using ribbons and other kinds of cards, as well as using Angel cards again, and we also do a little healing, occasionally some Philosophy and always do a meditation. Occasionally there are new people there, so I am getting to meet a much wider group of people - it can be a little intimidating but each time it happens it gets a little easier to deal with. :0)

As Aureen is having a year off I no longer have monthly Reiki sessions, which I miss. I go to the occasional Healing Session at the Spiritualist Church as an alternative, whenever I feel the need. In the meantime, am hoping that someone will come along who I feel as drawn to as Aureen, so I can start having Reiki again. It's in the hands of the Universe now.

I still have weekly acupuncture sessions. J not only helps my physical symptoms: topping up pain control of the arthritis in my hands; neck, back and shoulder problems and knee pain flare ups and control of menopausal symptoms, but mainly concentrates on treating me Spiritually these days. We have some very interesting talks each week and these regularly help me: sometimes she'll say something that gives me a new perspective on something; sometimes it's something that makes me think; sometimes there's a breakthrough on issues that have been bothering me. Recently the memories of being bullied at school resurfaced and I couldn't understand why now.... and J explained that I am now a much stronger person than I was, so am better able to face them, will be able to finally let all that negativity go and heal my inner child. Of course there's some resistance: finding excuses for not meditating and, when I do meditate, not being able to settle into it properly, to allow things to the surface... and, as usual, I'm trying to control something that can't be controlled. So it's going to be quite a bit of work for a while BUT I know it will be so worth it in the end, so am persisting with it.

And that leads to something that J asked me to discover some time ago: apparently we are all, when choosing to incarnate on the earthly plane, given a name that is one word and this one word covers the main lesson we are to learn in our lifetime. I meditated and asked the Universe what my name was and was given something that totally surprised me - as I have a thing about Wisdom (even having an elephant for a Power Animal called Wisdom) I was kind of expecting something to do with that. Imagine how surprised I was when what was given was: Persistence. Immediately I asked "Should that be Perseverance?", remembering one of the print-outs that Aureen gave us about Spiritual work being about Perseverance. The answer was a definite NO... Persistence. So I looked it up in the dictionary and realised just how relevant it was in my life.

I have also discovered that I have two more Native American Guides: one I call Grandfather, and he is here to help me to deal with the changes that are happening, and will happen, in my life.... he brings Bear Medicine with him - rebirth, transformation and strength; the other is Lone Deer, a NA woman, and she brings me peace and calm... I have only seen her a few times but feel she is there for other reasons too, which haven't been revealed yet. Some Guides stay with us always, others come in at particular stages of our lives or for particular purposes, then leave when their work is done... it's fascinating when you become aware of a new Guide and wait while they reveal themselves and the reason they have come... even more fascinating as they begin to work with you and you learn the symbols they use to guide you or when they actually talk to you as you ask questions and develop a working relationship with them.

The workshops at the Spiritualist Church went ahead: D holds them once a month, at £15 for around a 5 hour session - very reasonable priced when I've seen some workshops advertised at a £100... & often much more. I've been to two so far and have just signed up for the next one in January. It's nice to be led by a different person, as you get different viewpoints and techniques, and things are done a little differently to P's workshops... it's all interesting and great to learn. The first workshop: we did some psychometry, but just read the energy of the person, rather than using it as a way of bringing in Spirit; a meditation; did Philosophy and opened for messages at the end. The second workshop: we did ribbon readings (I'll do a separate post about this at some point); a meditation; Philosophy and opened for messages.
The Philosophy: we each took it in turns to take a piece of paper from a bag full and on it was written a single word - from that we had to stand at the front, call on our Guides... then speak on the word for several minutes. My first word was contentment and I kept my eyes shut throughout, as I found standing at the front of the Church in front of everyone quiet daunting (felt a little panicky initially)... but once I called in my Guide the words just seemed to flow out of me. Don't ask me what I said though, as I can't remember a word of it. The second time my word was acceptance... not sure if it was down to the fact that I now knew what to expect, or if it was the word (I am working on accepting myself as I am), but I kept blocking myself this time. It was definitely alot hairier second time around. The rest of the session and activities went well and I loved the meditations we did... I love doing ribbon readings and may well offer these when I start to work. :0)
I have certainly thoroughly enjoyed the workshops, am enjoying getting to know the other attendees better, have gained a lot from them and am looking forward to the next one... and seeing what D has in store for us.

I am continuing with a kind of home study in between the workshops and Circles: lots of reading of all kinds of relevant books on various esoteric themes and absorbing as much as possible. I want to take this a step further in 2012, by undertaking some actual training in Crystal Healing and Ear Candling. Am also hoping that a Mentor will present themselves, who will teach me other Healing techniques..... though, as I've long since realised, that is up to the Universe and will happen when it is meant to.

I've been to several Mind, Body and Spirit events throughout the year too. Some of them have involved a little retail therapy... I've added some more very nice crystals to my collection, some of which I was drawn to for use on myself (to aid with specific issues), some of which called me as they will be useful healing tools for me to work with on others. Mostly I tend to attend some of the talks that are offered at these events and that I've been drawn to.... that's the great thing about asking my Angel and Guides to help and guide me to whatever is needed for my greatest and highest good before going to these events: they always answer and the talks have all proved to be very interesting and amazingly relevant each time. Oh, and one of those events... I attended a second day, going alone and driving myself there and back, so another challenge has been met and overcome. :0)

So that's roughly where things stand at the moment, as we approach the festive season and the drawing to a close of 2011. It's been a very interesting year, with an awful lot going on on all kinds of levels - Spiritually, mentally and Earthly. There have been a few lows... but mostly it's been positive, occasionally challenging and most definitely exciting and interesting. With all the hype about the expected changes that are predicted for 2012 I feel it will be an even more challenging, but exciting and interesting, voyage of discovery to come.

Yuletide Blessings to one and all. :0)

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

It's Been a While....

Yes, it's been quite a while since my last post and so much has been happening in the meantime. Here's some of what's been happening:
The Development Circle continued for some time but recently we had a surprise drop out, when Sh decided she no longer wanted to attend. She felt that coming to the Circle was acting as a constant reminder of losing her chap and wasn't allowing her to move on. As G had already dropped out, due to the ongoing situation with her DH, who has terminal cancer and isn't dealing with it at all well, this really brought into question whether the Circle could continue. It has always been a small group, so any loss of numbers really tells. Aureen and I also felt that the Universe was intervening here, as she needed a break, as she had lots going on in her work and personal life, and I was feeling a little unsettled and unsure of my direction... we also felt that S1 may not continue, as she'd also been having doubts about this being her path.
So.... Circle has been on hold in recent weeks, until S1 returned from her extended trip to Australia (NB: I saw Sydney Opera House for her during a Circle session some time ago), when we would then know her decision. I was delighted to receive a text from Aureen last week (18th - 24th April) to ask if I was up for Circle, starting on the 3rd of May. Too right I am!

The break has given me the chance to look at what I would like to do and to receive a few insights. Whilst I didn't understand Sh reasons for dropping out I could/can appreciate that if that is how she feels, then she has to do what is right for her - it would be wrong of me, or anyone else, to try to convince her otherwise. She has to go where her path is leading her and, at the moment, it has diverged from us. I hope she finds the Inner Peace she's searching for. :0)

When I receive messages from loved ones, and feel their presence around me, I feel very comforted by that: just because they no longer have a physical body on this Earth plane does not mean that they sever all links with loved ones still here. Far from it, they remain very interested in all that we do and often "visit" us, and use whatever means we are open to to try and communicate this to us. I no longer fear physical death as much as I used to, as, since I've been on this Spiritual journey, I have had proof time and again that our essential energy (our essence - the soul) survives and goes on to something better. I do still miss my loved ones physical presence but the deep, raw, soul wrenching grief I used to feel that held us all back has eased and gentled greatly as I'm finding I can tune into their energy and sense them when they pay a visit. This, in turn, has allowed my loved ones in Spirit to go on with their journey and work in the Otherworld.
Realising and accepting this has made me recognise that giving messages to grieving people from their loved ones in Spirit is a form of healing in its own right and, thus, certainly has a part to play in the healing work I wish to develop. So I am now settled in my own mind that this is where I should be and what I should be doing. S1 has returned from her trip and is happy to continue. F's study and exams are completed, so she now has her free time back. S2 is ready to carry on. Aureen's life has settled back into more manageable proportions. And now the Circle is to resume. :0)
Hopefully the time is right for more people to feel drawn to joining us - more people will help the group to continue and new energies will help it develop further.

Throughout the lull I was keen to "keep my hand in", as it were, so I've continued with the meditation and practising as often as possible (though having DH and DS around during the recent Bank Holiday weekends has affected that somewhat, as we've been busy doing jobs). During one meditation someone bade me farewell - I assumed it was a Guide and feared it was Two Feathers, my Native American Circle Guide but he's reappeared since.... so it may have been a Guide I hadn't "met" as such, but whose time with me was over. I did see someone else a little later in the same meditation: a young (mid-20's to mid-30s) male who presented as a Hassidic Jew (black ringlets either side of his face and the typical black hat) and I received the name Levi. I haven't seen him in my meditations since, so still haven't discovered if it was him bidding me farewell... though it did feel more like an incoming energy. Am hoping more will be revealed at some point. :0)

During this time I also felt drawn to start attending the Open Circle at my local Spiritualist Church. The first week was very busy (around 20 people) and it was led by a young chap. No one spoke to me and I wasn't feeling too welcome, so I was in two minds about going back again... but something made me give it another go. So pleased I did: successive weeks have been run by an older lady (I think she may run the Church) and the atmosphere has been much more relaxed and friendly. :0)
The Circle is different from Aureen's: there's no meditations, no discussions about related topics, no direct teaching and no hands linking to Open. We all sit in a Circle, have an opening prayer followed by everyone reciting the Lord's Prayer - even though I'm a Pagan I don't mind reciting this, as I recognise it as a very powerful form of protection that no negatives can withstand and it's also good for drawing forth the Angels. Everyone then tunes in, in whatever way they do so, then anyone who receives a message then gives it to the relevant person.
The first week I was really unsure about what I should be doing and, feeling slightly panicky, asked my Guide if I should be trying to receive messages. A calm and gentle voice told me: Watch and Learn. So that's mostly what I've been doing.
I've been lucky enough to be given messages from a gentleman who turned out to be my paternal Great-Uncle the first visit, then a lovely message from my Mum on the third visit - along with messages from both my Grandad's, one of my Nana's and my young cousin. All spot on and totally relevant. :0)
The past couple of times I've been picking up small things - I got a name that I didn't give but it was later confirmed by another lady with the messages she gave. I feel I'm slowly adjusting to the different energies. Last week, towards the end of the session, the lady running the Circle referred to myself and the ladies sitting either side of me as "our powerful energy batteries" which made me smile, then asked me if I had anything to share (her Guides tell her when anyone is receiving anything) but I said all I got was the name Michael, a man not a child, and that there seemed to be a water link with him with him, as in running water like a stream or similar, but I was unsure if it meant he either lived near to or worked on water or if it meant he had drowned.... I lost the link each time someone else gave a message, and then I felt really self-conscious with everyone's attention on me. The lasy asked how long I'd been doing this work and I said over a year, probably about a year and a half, and that I had always found the visual part difficult. Since reading Doreen Virtue's book I've realised I mostly get mental images rather than Third Eye ones - so I don't see it in front of me but deeper in.... and sometimes it's just so fast I can't always make it out. As I described this I could see another lady (in her late 30's) nodding, so I guess she probably gets things the same way. The Leader lady told me to ask them to slow it down and it should help. With that we closed... but it gave me the courage to go up to her afterwards and ask if I could ask a couple of questions. Quite a few of the people there got messages and flowed so well with the information given, including herself, and I asked how it was possible to do that. She said it had taken her around 40 years to reach that point, some take much less, but that it was mostly about Trust (there's that word again!): trusting in what you got, rather than questioning it, and just giving what you got. My main problem is that I often start to over-think things, rather than going with the flow.... but it was real useful, as it's highlighted two of the main ways I block myself: lack of trust and over-thinking.
I also asked what the protocol was about giving messages: if I felt I had something to add, is it acceptable to chip in or should I wait until the person has finished giving their message? This one is down to judging each situation: if someone is in full flow, then allow them to finish and then say you feel you may have had the same link and then give what you got; if they are struggling a little, say that you feel you have the same link and ask if they mind if you add what you've got, as sometimes it can help make that person's link with Spirit a bit stronger. I thanked her and left.
I now feel I have a better understanding of why I need to go to this Circle: along with the other two ladies, I'm an energy battery - there to help raise the energy, so Spirit can communicate more easily with the more experienced members; for myself, at the moment, once someone starts to speak I lose the link... being here will help me to develop my concentration and focus, so I can block out any background noise and keep the link with Spirit - essential if I have to work in a noisy environment (there's constant background noise at M,B&S events etc). Whilst I've got better at blocking out most of the noises at Aureen's Circle and during meditations at home, especially compared to when I first started and everything would affect my focus/concentration level, this will be  more of a challenge, though an essential knack to learn. The current plan is to attend both Circles for the forseeable future. Thank you to the Universe and my Guides for this opportunity to develop further. :0)

The acupuncture sessions continue on a weekly basis. The menopausal symptoms are generally well under control, with only the occasional blip - if I'm fighting off a bug I tend to get a few flushes start, which is quite useful for gauging when my immune system needs a boost. LOL The arthritic problems need the occasional boost, as does my back and shoulder - usually self-inflicted from over-doing it in the garden. The weekly treatments keep things nicely "topped up" and the Qi flowing. The main focus, these days, is treating me Spiritually, to aid my development, and I feel this is helping me greatly, as does the weekly chats with Janet. I've told her that I view her as a Mentor: each week sees different topics being discussed and these give various results: sometimes it gives me another piece in the puzzle, as it were, enabling me to achieve a better understanding of a concept I'd been struggling with; or a different view point is given, which makes me look at something from a whole different angle; sometimes our talks will set me off on a whole new tangent; there's also the occasional Eureka! moment thrown in too.
My last treatment was a pretty intensive one: I had some bottled up anger and some other residual negative emotions that needed releasing, as they were holding me back by blocking me, and this involved building up the Qi via manipulation of the needles in the top of my feet (one in each) and some "homework" to do later in the day. Manipulation of the needles really makes the Qi "bite" and can be quite painful, but it does help shift things, so I had to say stop when it got too much for me. I didn't do too badly, though it did make me hold my breath. Despite this the session was a good one, though I could feel things were building up, rather than relaxing. That night DS was out and I asked DH if he could go out too, so he happily disappeared off to the Guild Room for the evening to do a few jobs. Now the homework began: I had to shut all the windows in the house and pre-prepare some music to play loudly; then I had to go out into the garden barefoot and slowly walk widdershins (anti-clockwise) in a circle, feeling the Qi in everything around me as I did so; when I could feel this I had to gradually increase my walking speed, building the energy without and within; when it had built to a peak I had to go inside to the pre-prepared room, start the music and...... scream at the top of my lungs as much as I needed to let all the anger and other negativity out. When she had told me this earlier I wondered what the neighbours would think, should they spot me outside, and if they heard me screaming.... thankfully we live in a detached house, so that helped... though the word that cam to me when I thought about the process was: liberating.
So I walked my widdershins circle and, though not too certain about feeling the energy building without, I definitely felt it building within. When I couldn't stand to hold it in any more I shot in, locking the door behind me, and started off the music - Firestarter by Prodigy.... it semed appropriate somehow. And then I started to scream. Initially it was a repressed, held-in roar in my throat.... but then I really let rip. Tears began to pour and I could feel all this negativity spewing from me each time I screamed... thinking of the neighbours, I screamed the loudest into a pillow. By heck was it liberating! I suddenly found myself full of energy and dancing around the room, flipping the bird in all directions, letting out so many years of repression from trying to conform, to family and to societies view of what is normal and acceptable behaviour. Boy, did it feel sooo good to finally let go! By the end of the track I felt much more peaceful and needing a change in tempo... so out came my bellydancing CD's... and started to dance. Though one track in I spotted the photo of my Mum and Dad on the mantelpiece and began to cry, letting out the last of the grief, finally letting them go. Once this was over I dried my tears and heard: time to live your Joy. I let the music surround me, felt it deep within my core... then let my inner Goddess finally show herself, allowing my body to move to the music, without an ounce of repression or self-consciousness. It felt fabulous and not a twinge or ache anywhere throughout... though by the end of the CD I was shattered and ready to sit quietly, so I went outside and sat on the patio, enjoying the quiet of the evening (well, as quiet as it gets round here LOL). As I sat I asked for a sign, so I would know that what I had done was OK and if it would help with my growth on my Spiritual Path. After a few moments I heard: Look up. When I did I saw, right above my head, that the clouds had formed a circle and in the centre of the circle was another cloud formation that looked like both a stylised rose... or a head and wings. I felt Blessed and at peace and thanked the Universe. Then, not long after, I went back inside as it had turned quite cold and settled down in my chair with a herbal tea and some stitching, which is how DH found me when he returned home. He could tell I was feeling a lot happier and calmer.  A little later I went to bed and slept deeply, waking up feeling well and refreshed. I haven't seen Janet since, as she's on holiday, but I shall tell her all that happened at my next appointment.... I can recommend this process for anyone wanting to let go of negativity and release blocks. :0)

One of the results from undergoing this releasing process is the realisation that I really do want to take up bellydancing classes. So I stopped the procrastination, contacted the lady who runs sessions in some of the local villages, got the details...... and I go for my first class on Friday 6th May. :0)

Janet had hoped to start a monthly Meditation Group at her Clinic last month but a change in her diabetes meds meant that that had to be put on hold, as it affected her quite badly initially. Thankfully things have settled down enough for her to carry on with her appointments now (they had to be cancelled initially, which she felt awful about) and she's hoping that further improvements will occur so the Group can begin soon.
It will be a small Group of about 5/6 people, quite informal. There'll be Janet, myself, hopefully Aureen will have the time to attend, then there's another of J's clients (a young woman who has been helped greatly by J's acupuncture treatments who is now going on to train as an acupuncturist) and this young woman's Mum, who is a yoga teacher (and I think she does another alternative therapy too) - this lady will initially lead the Meditations, as she has had practice doing this at her Yoga classes, but any one of us can bring in a guided meditation CD we like, or a book with one in, or whatever. It will be good practice for me and another opportunity to be with like-minded people, so am looking forward to it.

The monthly Reiki treatments from Aureen have continued too, as I love these sessions and get a great deal from them. The past three of four months I've been led to take in some of my crystals and that has been interesting too. The first session I did this I could have sworn Aureen had placed the Apophyllite crystal on my solar plexus: I could actually feel the weight of it and it wobble as I breathed, so I refrained fom breathing too deeply, because I was concerned it would wobble off and even when she closed the session I could still feel the weight of it on me, so I had to touch the area to check..... and there was nothing there. Aureen hadn't put anything there.... but someone had. :0) In the latest sessions Kwan Yin has been aiding her with the healing.... each time I know she is there, as I see a mental image of her at some point during the session. I shall take my own Statue of her to one of the sessions soon.
The last couple of month's sessions were really interesting. In the earlier one Aureen wasn't sure what was needed when starting out, so she asked to be guided: she ended up moving around from one bit to another and back over again, zigzagging all the way down my body and back, and told me, at the end of the session, that she was told she needed to clear and balance the Chakras in both my physical and etheric body. I smiled and said "Oh, you're sooo good" - then told her about the dreams I'd been having, which she agreed were all about balancing my male and female energies. More proof that the Universe brings in whatever is needed when it's needed. :0)
Before the latest one I'd had a couple of problems with DH and DS and I stood up for myself but it had left me feeling a bit off, so Aureen concentrated on drawing in power and strength - Kwan Yin was there but not taking part, as she is a gentle and compassionate soul. Even before the session started Aureen touched my left foot and told me to relax: I instantly felt a pull of vertigo/dizziness in the left side of my head - I could feel the energy being pulled through me, at one point it rippled through my body through my Crown Chakra and down to my feet, during the session - she's been pulling out negative stuff. I told her afterwards that I'd almost said "Flippin' heck, Aureen" in reaction to it. During the session she's seen me riding on Wisdom's back (my elephant Power Animal) and he told me he was there to give me strength and power, as well as wisdom. She'd also seen me as an oak tree: I need to be strongly rooted, like an oak tree. The odd thing is: my wedding ring is engraved with acorns and oak leaves and I do like images of the Tree of Life as an oak and love cross stitch designs with acorns and oak leaves on them. I'd also felt an odd pulling sensation when she'd placed her hands over my Third Eye and knew she'd removed a block from it. I came out feeling totally energised and went home to mow the lawn and weed the garden. LOL
My next session is on 7th May - can't wait to see what happens at that one.

I've also attended a few M,B&S events since my last blog post. Some involved retail therapy and absorbing the vibes, others involved attending some of the free workshops that are on offer and one involved bypassing my ususal feelings about preferring healing sessions to be private and undergoing my first ever Crystal Healing session. That was such a good experience: the lady gridded crystals under the bed, for protection, then gave me two clear quartz to hold - they were powerful, as I immediately felt their energies - and set about using various crystals on my Chakras. She unblocked my Third Eye (I knew it was blocked and it was the main reason I was drawn to the healing), "combed" my aura with a specific crystal blade to remove any negativity attached to it, then used another strong crystal to put energy back into my aura and seal any "holes". I thought I would be really self-conscious during the process but it was such a lovely (and fascinating) experience that I laid there enjoying it, even blotting out most of the background noise in the process. It also confirmed for me what I've always felt: I have an affinity to crystals and definitely want to use them in my healing work, perhaps training as a Crystal Healer, providing I can find somewhere fairly local that offers accredited courses.

My usual Tarot reader, Leonie, no longer attends M,B&S events, so when I wanted my yearly reading at the start of this year I had to cast around, to find someone else that I was happy to sit with. It wasn't until the Elsecar event in March that I opted to have a reading done.... odd, as I'd started out the day planning on attending a couple of workshops. I didn't get to either of the workshops.
It was getting towards the end of the day when I felt I wanted to have a reading done by Joylina... but she was busy each time I went to her. In a bit of a panic, thinking I wouldn't have any kind of reading that day, I saw that Janother nearby reader, JoPaz, was available, so I went for a reading with her. I asked about my Spiritual Path and was a little disappointed when I got a general reading that didn't cover anything to do with that side of things... although it was interesting to have it done, as alot of what she told me confirmed quite a few of the things that Leonie had previously given me, so no real surprises with that. It was a good lesson in why I should always go with my initial instinct and not opt for second choice.

As I came away from her I spotted that Joylina was free and headed over. She invited me to choose one of her free Angel cards and I smiled when I read it, as it was quite apt. I then asked her if she was available for a reading and, thankfully, she was. The first thing she said to me was that she knew I was "one of hers" as I had a very strong energy... I've slowly realised this from a couple of things Janet (acupuncturist) has said about how sometimes, when I'm really upset, I can "spark off" energy that affects those around me... some of what she does in treatments is to help me contain that energy in a way that doesn't affect those around me and doesn't "damage" myself. Joylina then went on to explain that she did three kinds of readings and what they were. I opted for the Soul Reading.... a tad expensive but, as I realised afterwards, was sooo worth it!
After choosing some cards from a deck of Angel cards she then gave me a reading from them. Each card had a different Angel on it and a single word at the bottom - it was pleasing to see among them were cards for Healing and Wisdom. :0)
Now this lady had never done a reading for me before and didn't know me from Eve, so had no idea that I wanted to do Healing work and have a "thing" about achieving Wisdom, so it was extremely satisfying to hear her say that my Life's Path involved healing, not just for individuals, but on a Global scale... it also confirmed things that Aureen had told me within Circle and after Reiki sessions that she'd been given by hers and my Guides. She also felt that my healing work would also involve crystals... but more sound healing with crystal bowls, than actual crystal healing, something that had never crossed my mind before. She also said that, at the moment, I was a bit like a flickering light bulb: when the power was fully on things worked fine, but occasionally the flow was interrupted (those times I feel blocked, usually by myself) and the bulb would dim; there will come a point when I will hear the sound of Angel music and everything will change; suddenly, it would be like a dynamo had been switched on and "whoosh!" that lightbulb would be switched on bright and stay on, whether I wanted it to or not - nothing would interfere with it.... and I would be off. Amazing, exciting stuff!
When this part of the reading was over she then had me choose more cards from a second deck. Amongst these cards were Joy and Happiness, along with Healing and Wisdom again, and a few more. She said that the sadness was over and that I was now in the phase where I was to Live my Joy - but that I realised and appreciated that, without that sadness, I wouldn't have reached this point. No more tears, and as I live my Joy it will bring in much happiness (though they sound the same, they're not). There was a lot more concerning my Path and that changes I'd undergone along the way and those that were to come. I came away feeling really optimistic and happy.... and more sure that the direction I'm going in is the right one for me at this time.

Since then  my own Tarot cards were telling me of Change and new energies coming in and this has been the case: the cessation of Circle for such a long break; Sh leaving us; the start of attending Spiritualist Church Circle; the decision to start bellydancing classes; setting in motion plans to refurbish the bathroom and kitchen of our home.  It did feel a little like things were in limbo for some while, as all this developed and I gradually got my head around what I needed to do to aid the change in energies. I set about altering my daily routines: instead of staying in and doing jobs every Monday, I would go out, either down the street or out in the car somewhere; extending my comfort zone - have now driven to the main Tesco and shopped on my own, to various garden centres around the area, including having the occasional meal out (again on my own); occasionally having acupuncture on a Tuesday, instead of a Thursday; listening to my intuition a whole lot more.... maybe not huge things to a lot of people but for someone recovering from agoraphobia and panic attacks (daily routine was essential to keep me calm) they have been big steps on the road back to being 100% again, which is where things stand now - on the cusp of the old giving way to the new.

And I realise I was going to say that this was all leading to recovering the old me... but it's not what this whole journey is about - it's all about discovering who the real Me is.  :0)