REIKI - 17TH APRIL

I felt well ready for this month's Reiki session. Although I'd felt much calmer on leaving the Clinic after my acupuncture the occasional down session started coming through again on Friday.

Jan was the receptionist today, though I didn't have much time for a natter before Aureen called me into Treatment Room 2. As I was putting my bag down and taking off my coat Aureen asked how I was. I told her about my reaction to G's news, the upset, the acupuncture treatment, the special dates (birthday and anniversary) and how I was feeling then. I was still feeling emotional, as I got upset a bit again, and then a little cross with myself. As I said to her: with my beliefs about the afterlife, and the proof I've had, why am I still grieving? Her answer was simple: because I miss their physical presence. She then explained that hanging on isn't letting them progress to the next level and I said I knew that and it was another cause of frustration and anger with myself, as I don't want to be the cause of holding them back.

Aureen said that she would perform psychic surgery again, as it seemed she hadn't got it all previously.... and perhaps some of it had grown back. With that I had taken off all my jewellery (bar my crystal pieces) shoes, specs and scrunchie and got on the treatment bed, where Aureen covered me up with the blanket.

Soon after starting the treatment Aureen asked me which Chakra it was in and immediately I said heart, as I'd thought this even before she'd asked. She asked what it looked like: a ball of wool, but not the neat and tidy ones you buy from the shop - this was more like those untidy, self-wound balls of yarn that go in all directions. I thought that was it but then said that I felt that some of the tendrils from it were reaching into my throat Chakra too, as I couldn't always talk about some of it (certainly not to my DSis). When she asked me what colour it was I was initially unsure and said so, then I could clearly see it: it was mostly black, but shot through with red and told her that the red was for anger. She said it was OK, to just relax now, as she had called on Archangels Rafael and Michael and they were there helping.

Part way through the session I could feel tears start to trickle down my cheeks and I brushed them away. Aureen stopped long enough to hand me a tissue, then carried on. a while after, when the tears had stopped, I heard Aureen's voice telling me that it was alright and my heart Chakra was being filled with lots of pink light: I knew this, as I could see it swirling behind my eyelids - not the usual vivid pink, a gentler colour, along with lots of spring green (the Chakra colour). I could feel myself become more and more relaxed as the session went on and was almost on the point of zoning out into sleep when it ended.

Aureen gently touched me on the shoulder and asked if I was OK. I said I didn't have that definite feeling of something having been removed, as I did previously, but I did have the same shell-shocked sensation, a sure sign of what she had been doing. She told me that she had removed it, pulling out the tendrils from my throat, and that it had been extremely heavy - this she had passed over the Archangels Michael and Rafael, for them to take up into the Universe and transform it, whilst she then filled everywhere with pink light. I told her about seeing this and also that I had seen my Mum and Dad's faces.... and that I had said goodbye to them. She was pleased this had happened and that I'd been able to do this. She then told me she'd seen my Guide. I told her that I knew he had been there, as I'd seen him too: this time he had been wearing the moccasins and leggings I'd seen him in previously but this time he'd appeared to be bare-chested, apart from a beaded breastplate; I'd seen his face a little more qucily before seeing his dark hair in a single braid; instead of the full eagle feather bonnet on his head there were two feathers.... and as soon as I saw them I heard the words Two Feathers repeated three times. Aureen smiled and said: well now you know his name. So my Spirit Guide is called Two Feathers. :0)

Aureen then told me that she had been really surprised because when she'd seen my Guide he'd spoken to her. He'd said: My daughter is not just grieving for her parent's in this lifetime, my daughter also grieves for her parent's in another lifetime. He then told her that I'd had a previous life as a Native American.... and during that life I'd witnessed my parent's being killed in front of me. I'd carried the trauma of that over with me into this incarnation, so when my Mum and Dad died it had triggered the previous loss and that was why I am grieving so hard.... and why it feels like a part of me died when they did. She told me that, as well as doing the psychic surgery removal she had also rescued that part of me.

As I listened it felt as if several things clicked into place. I told her that it just seemed to make sense, and that it also explained a couple of things from my childhood. Whenever I was swinging on a swing I always imagined myself, and clearly saw the mental image, of myself as a Native American girl galloping on a pinto pony across a wide open plain - I later put this down to a good imagination but now wonder if it had been an actual past life memory. If ever we watched cowboy films and there was an attack on a Native American village I would get really indignant and say it was so wrong... I was always on the side of the NA's. Then there would be the state I would get into if I ever thought about my parent's dying. Yes, children do go through a phase of thinking about this but this was more than that and I would get into a real panic about it..... until I eventually learnt to block it out. It seemed to confirm a few things for Aureen, as she nodded. It also explains why the previous psychic surgeries haven't fully excised everything and why it keeps building up again.

What she said next gave me pause for thought: she would have to perform psychic surgery on me again during my next session. This time she would treat the past life trauma and heal it, as it was still affecting this lifetime, and to ensure that I don't carry it over with me into any future incarnations. OK, I understand the need for this.... but flippin' heck, the psychic surgery I've been through for this lifetime's problems have been pretty heavy - goodness knows what that is going to be like!

By this time I'd had a few sips of water and felt up to moving, so I climbed off the bed and started putting my bits and pieces back on and Aureen recommended that I take it easy for the rest of the day and have a lie down at some point. It was almost time for her next client, so I gathered everything together, thanked her and went out to reception. Jan took me into Treatment Room 1 for a chat. I told her what had been revealed by the session.... and she told me about her own past life memory and how her father from that lifetime had become her Guide. We discussed how the menopause treatment was going and I asked if she could make up some more of the herbal mix for me, as I was finding that the combination of the herbal mix and acupuncture was, in the main, working well together - I get the occasional glitch when I'm not feeling well or if I haven't had soya milk daily... and spicey foods can trigger a few flushes too. As she made up my mix we chatted a little about the upcoming Healing Course and, as it was being held in her home and Jan was feeding us each lunchtime, she double-checked what I could and couldn't eat, so I told her that I was still basically doing the Candida diet, as it suited me so well.

When the mix was ready I made my next appointment and paid my dues, thanked her and left. I didn't bother with anything else but went straight home... to an empty house, as DH and DS were out. After I'd had a quick bite to eat and sat looking through a magazine I soon realised that the recommendation to have a lie down was more of a necessity. Just as I was heading up the stairs my DH arrived home. After a quick hello and chat about what he'd been doing and what had happened with Reiki he soon realised I was struggling, so he helped me upstairs and made sure I settled OK, then left me to sleep..... for two solid hours.

A bit later, as we were sat eating our Saturday night take-out curry, I told DH that, about a month or so after my op, I'd got the sensation of not feeling quite right: beforehand I'd been buzzing with energy, getting lots done and, mostly, quite positive but afterwards.... well, I was certainly more subdued, been taking life really seriously and just didn't quite feel like "me". I felt that hadn't got anything to do with the missing ovaries and lack of monthlies, as I was glad to see them go and stop causing me problems..... I'd been looking forward to menopause and finally embracing my Crone years. Whilst I still didn't quite get the feeling of having had something removed during the psychic surgery I could now sense that something had changed and felt I was more like the real "me". He said that I certainly seemed a lot calmer than recently, though often was after Reiki.

I guess only time will tell as to whether or not it has made a real difference. :0)

ACUPUNCTURE - 15TH APRIL

This week had been a bit of an up and down one: G's news about her DH on Tuesday night seemed to have triggered quite a few things for me.... added to which was the fact that this month would see my Dad's birthday on the 27th and the anniversary of his passing on the following day. Odd, how you can go along feeling fine and thinking that everything has been dealt with... only to be knocked flat on your ass by something that's happening to someone else.

When I got to the Clinic G was on reception, so I asked her how she was feeling now and her reply was better. We didn't have long to chat though, as Janet was ready for me to go through to the treatment room.

She asked me how things had been going, though I could tell by the beady look she gave me that she had spotted something wrong with my Qi and it was a leading question. LOL I told her about G telling us her news and how it had upset me. It wasn't just for the fact that it had triggered off memories of Dad and what he'd gone through.... having been through the awful time with Dad I knew just what was in store for G and she's such a lovely person that the thought of her going through it was upsetting too. I cried some as I told Janet about it all, then said: But I'd been doing so well.

Janet then said that grief didn't have a set pattern and that it was actually still not all that long a time since I lost my parents, especially my Dad, so it was understandable that G's news would act as a trigger. She also reminded me of the boxes analogy: some issues have obviously been boxed up, rather than dealt with, whilst others have left a residue in my Qi that needs to be moved on and released. She said she would do a treatment that would help this to happen, along with the usual hormonal balancing one.

With that she left the room whilst I took my shoes, socks, cardigan and top off and got laid on the treatment bed. When she came back in I apologised and told her that, in the upset, I'd forgotten to mention that my left knee had been feeling a tad arthritic on and off all week too, sometimes making me limp, so she said she would do something for that too. So this time I had needles in: the left and right sides of my left kneecap (fleshy area); the regular ones around both ankles; in the liver meridians in the top of each foot (ouch! they gave me a big jump this time - a sure sign of the upset); the one in my third eye; one in my right ear; a couple in each hand and extra ones in my upper chest area, between my boobs and a little higher. Some of them made me feel a little woozy when they went in..... another sign that they were moving the energies. After covering me with the turkey roasting blankets, putting the relaxation music on and turning out the light she told me that I was in a totally safe environment and that it was OK to let everything go. I thanked her and she went out.

Well something definitely moved around because as soon as the woozy sensation eased I started to blub again... though it was a gentle release. Unfortunately I couldn't get a tissue out of my pocket because of the needles in my hands. I was glad when Janet popped back in a few minutes later, to see how I was - she gave me a tissue, asked if I was OK and when I said I would be, she left me to go through the rest of the treatment.

Once I'd mopped myself up I started to feel better, began to feel calmer and relaxed and began to drift quite nicely. When Janet came back into the room at the end of the session I almost jumped... as I told her, another five minutes and I'd have been asleep! She seemed quite pleased with that and the fact that I was obviously much calmer. After removing the needles I thanked her and told her that I was feeling much better. She left me to get dressed, reminding me to drink some water before coming out of the treatment room.

After getting up, getting dressed and drinking some water I realised that the ache in my knee had gone and the joint was moving more freely. Another great result! When I was ready I went out to reception to make my next appointment and pay. Once the other client had been taken through to the other treatment room there was a chance to chat with G. She said she felt she was dealing better with the news now, though had felt a little angry after the upset: I said that it was perfectly natural to feel that way, as you go from thinking that there's hope (whilst treatment after the initial diagnosis is ongoing) to having it snatched away when hearing the terminal verdict and that it seems to trigger a kind of grieving process. We chatted for a little longer, then another client came in, so we said our goodbyes until the following Tuesday.

I left pleased that, despite the intial upset before my treatment, that I had been calm enough to be able to talk to G and let her offload a little.... and hoped that some of what we'd talked about had helped her. I know that having someone to talk to who had been there would have helped me through when Dad was having treatment and, ultimately, dying (and probably have helped with the aftermath too) but that opportunity hadn't been there - his MacMillan nurse hadn't been there for him, let alone his family, and there was no one else I knew locally. Knowing you're not alone is so important in these situations.

Afterwards I had a quick look in the Hospice bookshop but I didn't find anything. I decided against going to the market or the shops, in the circumstances, and headed home for a herbal tea and a much-needed chill out.

DEVELOPMENT CIRCLE - 13TH APRIL

No A again this week but everyone else turned up. I was able to tell everyone that G had had a hit the previous week: my DSis thought that Ted was an old neighbour of our parents, who lived in the house whose garden backed onto theirs. He was a keen gardener and grew lots of beautiful climbing roses on the fence between their gardens. Our Uncle W, when she asked him, also thought that was his name. I can remember the roses but not the neighbour, unfortunately. It's always good to report back on successes. :0)

G then told us that she had something she felt she needed to share with us, as she was feeling a bit emotional and wanted us to know in case she got a bit upset at any point during the evening. Her DH had been having treatment for prostate cancer.... they had just been given the news that day that he was now terminal, as it had gone into his bones. I put my hand on her shoulder, for comfort and support, and quickly sent a plea to Archangel's Rafael and Michael for help for them both - having seen what my Dad, SIL and cousin's wife went through it was awful to think of what they'll both face in the coming months. Life can be so bloody cruel sometimes...... and cancer one of the cruellest damned things of all. Aureen made sure that G and her DH were both in the Healing Book and the prayer was even more heartfelt than usual.

Having checked that G felt OK to go on (she said she felt it would help her) we all took it in turns to read out the pieces we had done on our Power Animals. S1, S2 and G had written poems or poem style pieces on theirs and Sh had written a great piece on her PA's characteristics, turning those negative aspects you associate with a fox (laziness, craftiness etc) into positives in such a good way it had us all laughing. If ever I need a speech doing I shall ask her to write it for me! LOL Aureen also read out a poem she had written some time ago about her first PA, the deer. There is absolutely no way I can remember all of these pieces... though they are personal to each person, so I wouldn't put any details here anyway, as I feel that wouldn't be right. I don't mind sharing my piece though. :0)

I'm no poet and the thought of writing one didn't appeal much. What I did was to keep a piece of paper by my armchair and headed it with the title of: Power Animal - Elephant and, as I pottered around during the day my thoughts were occasionally drawn to my PA and a word would pop into my head... so I'd jot it down on the paper. I also Googled and found an interesting piece about elephants that brought a few more ideas and thoughts to the surface. The words I came up with and the thoughts I subsequently jotted down were:

Matriarch - they live in matriarchal groups, my own family is dotted with strong female characters, to say nothing of my beliefs;
patient; stoical - they make slow and steady progress in all that they do, stoically accepting it all - often plodding on through some horrendous drought conditions to get to another watering hole or better feeding grounds... my old school reports often contained the words: Karan has made slow but steady progress this term... and patience is something I know I need to work on;
defender - usually when threatened, or feel their young are. I would rarely defend myself, even though bullied in every school I ever attended... but if anyone ever hurt my DBro or DSis I wouldn't think twice about wading in;
compassionate; loving - when one of their own dies elephants will often stay around the body for a long time, gently stroking the body with their trunks and actually grieve. It fits. And I've said for some time that I think one of my life lessons to learn this time around is compassion;
long lived; intelligent; gentle; strong; wanderer;
long suffering - they have always been, and continue to be, poached for their ivory tusks;
revered: as the elephant headed Ganesh or Ganesha, a Hindu deity known as the Remover of Obstacles, Deva of Intellect and Wisdom, Patron of Letters. He is associated with the first or base/root chakra and the Aum - the base supports and guides all other Chakras. Aureen, after Reiki sessions, often says that I am firmly grounded in Mother Earth.

It'll be interesting to do further meditations, as I am sure there is much more to be learnt from all of this and more yet to discover.... and it will be lovely to get to know my Power Animal much better. The more I think of it the more I realise that an elephant as a Power Animal is perfect for me. :0)

Next was the meditation to meet our Guides, so we opened the Circle, protected and grounded ourselves, then opened our Chakras and concentrated on our breathing for a while. We then had to pull energy into our heart Chakras by breathing in to it, then imagine a green rose, whose petals were edged with gold, blooming within our heart Chakra and allow it to fill with golden energy. Next was to walk down the country lane to our safe place and, as we walked through it, ensure all our senses were active. From here we had to walk to the far side of the meadow, through the gate (or up and over the wooden stile, in my case), along the path and through the forest to the place we met our Power Animal. When our PA's came to us we were to follow them through to the other side of the forest and out onto a path that took us up the side of a mountain where, after a while, it flattened out to an area that had a natural spring running and we stopped to take a drink and rest a little. Here Aureen told us that if, at any time we were unsure about anything or if we didn't meet our Guides, we were to return to this spot and wait until everyone came back, then journey back with them. From here we carried on up to the top of the mountain, still following our PA. When we reached the top we were to see, off to one side, a mist and in the middle of the mist a bridge - this is where our Guides would walk over from, to meet us.
We had to look down at the ground and notice a pair of feet in front of us, then look up theto the legs, then on up until we could see them. When we could fully see them we had to ask three times: Are you my true Guide? If they left we were to do this bit over again and ask the successive Guide the same question again, three times. If the Guide was still there after the third asking we were to sit down and connect with them and ask any questions we wanted to. If we didn't meet our Guide we were to return to the place where we previously met our Power Animal and there wait until the others returned to that spot, then go back with them.
After a while our Guide would say goodbye and return over the bridge, then we would do the journey back (in reverse order) and slowly come back to ourselves.

Aureen then went around the group, asking each of us what had happened.

S1 had made the journey OK and had seen a Native American but when she asked him was he her true Guide he turned around and went back across the bridge. Unfortunately she didn't see her true Guide and had gone back to wait at the spring. Aureen said not to worry, it obviously wasn't yet time for her to meet hers and suggested that she does more visualisations, working with her Power Animal at home, then try again.

S2 was so happy at finally meeting her Guide, who was called Jacob and was a monk - she could give a vivid description of him. When she sat down with him she received a feeling of overwhelming love. She asked him questions but I can't remember them.

Sh met her Guide too. He was an Egyptian, and said he wasn't a Pharoah or anything like that, an ordinary Egyptian but he looked like he was a guard. She wasn't sure of his name and also received a message (personal) but didn't feel anything.

I met mine! :0) As soon as the feet were mentioned a vivid image of a pair of moccasins appeared immediately in front of me, the legs were clad in buckskin leggings with fringes, the body in a buckskin tunic with fringes and he had the eagle feather bonnet on... though I didn't see his face very clearly. I was also still unsure of his name.... but he was exactly as I had forst seen him during a meditation at home. Aureen asked if I had felt anything and I said it had felt comfortable and right. She then asked if I had asked if he was my true Guide and I replied that I had.

G also met hers: she was a young girl, though she said she seemed an old soul when she looked into her eyes.  She said she looked sort of Asian but she didn't think she was Chinese - we threw a few nationalities out and when someone mentioned Tibetan G immediately said yes, that seemed right. She also felt overwhelming love.

Aureen then said that what we should all have felt was overwhelming love coming from our Guides to us. As Sh and myself hadn't felt that she thought that we were both probably blocking ourselves. I know I have a bit of a block going on at the moment, although am not sure why or what is causing it... and Sh said she felt she probably was too. Aureen again said that we should practice more at home, connecting with and speaking to our Guides, and that this would overcome any blocks and allow the love to come through. It was a nice thought. :0)

I'm afraid I can't remember what else happened after this, though I think we closed the Circle soon after, as this had been a long evening after discussing our Power Animal's and doing the Spirit Guide meditation.


The following day I decided to redo the meditation out of curiosity. I barely visualised my safe place and the forest but it didn't matter, as Spirit obviously decided to dispense with formalities because, almost with a Whoosh!, I was suddenly up at the top of the mountain. Within moments my Guide walked towards me and this time it felt like my heart Chakra opened wide, almost as if it was bursting from my chest.... but not in an unpleasant way. Love radiated to and from us..... it was the most amazing feeling and left me feeling slightly dazed. I know I asked some questions and thanked my Guide but when I came back to myself I couldn't for the life of me remember what was said..... but that doesn't bother me, as I feel that on some level I've taken in what was said and I'll remember what was said when the time is right.

Incidentally: I redid the meditation on the New Moon. Better energies, perhaps?

ACUPUNCTURE - 8TH APRIL

Sorry, I've left writing this post for far too long to remember much detail on what happened.

I did mention to Janet that I seemed to be having a problem with my left leg, finding that in Circle it regularly tenses up, especially during meditations...... though lately I was finding that it would even tense up big time whilst I was just sat at the computer at home. It was obviously becoming a bit of a nuisance. She said that this week she would need me to remove my jeans and lay face down on the bed, so she could treat the back of the leg, as well as using the regular needles around my ankles for the hormonal balancing. She removed the pillow from the treatment bed, ripped a small hole in the covering where there was a hole in the bed, and explained that usually the most comfortable way to be treated this way up was to lay with my face through the hole and then place my arms either down by my sides or curving around my head, whichever I felt happiest doing. She then left the room whilst I got myself ready, laid on the bed and covered myself with the towel.

On returning, and after washing her hands, Janet proceeded to press certain points along the back of my leg and on my left buttock - one particular area on the buttock was definitely sensitive: not painful but certainly not comfortable. Janet said that there was definitely a problem there (she did tell me what and with which muscle but I can't remember the details) and that, if left, it would probably develop into sciatica. OK, I don't want that... treat away. LOL

She then said that she would have to roll my pants down a little so she could place the needles where they needed to be and asked if that was OK and I said yes..... though the thought of someone seeing all that cellulite made me cringe a tad. LOL She then placed needles in the small of my back, in my left buttock where it had been uncomfortable and down my leg along the muscle associated with it, as well as the usual ones around both ankles. If I remember rightly, she also placed the usual ones in my wrists and hands too. She then covered me with the silver thermal blankets (always makes me think of an oven ready turkey! LOL), put on the relaxing music, turned out the light and left me to relax.

Relax? Hhhhmmm, that was a little easier said than done. Laying with my face through the hole put pressure on certain areas on my face after a while and got uncomfortable and having my arms by my side seemed to make it worse.... but then my neck would ache if I propped my head on my arms, then my arms started to ache if I had them above my head for a change. Nope, not the comfiest or most relaxing session I've ever had, by far, and I was relieved when Janet came back in to remove the needles. Despite this something definitely happened to my left leg, as it would occasionally keep tensing up and relaxing through the treatment and it felt much more relaxed afterwards. It barely bothers me now, except when I'm in Circle (will explain that in another post) and I haven't had to have it treated again since. :0)

After removal of the needles Janet left me to get dressed and take the usual sips of water. When I was ready it was out to reception to pay and make my next appointment. I think I made my way straight home after this session, as it was later than usual and the market would have been on the point of closing.